The Life and Times of a Real Live Fureez

I'm pissed... and I don't know what to do. Dennis made a dumbass mistake... willingly admits it was a dumbass mistake and now I can't do anything about it because Verizon SUCKS ASS!!!

Okay.... he's the gist of it. When Verizon took over Unicel they fucked Dennis and can't or won't do anything about it. On Dennis's old Unicel plan he had unlimited calling in the area and unlimited text messaging. Which was fine for him and me seeing as we rarely use our phones anywhere but in town. And he could use the house phone to call his family in Missouri.

So when Verizon took over the never bothered to switch his plan over the right way. We got charged out the ass for text messaging. The bill that used to come out to nothing more than 100 dollars a month was suddenly over 400 dollars. When Dennis called to ask why they were like oops we charged you for text messaging and the most we can take off your bill is 13 dollars! 13 FUCKING DOLLARS!!! For THEIR mistake.

So we switched our plan so we could get unlimited everything so Dennis could call his mom from anywhere.... she's very sick and not getting any better. And we have the unlimited text messaging. Blah blah Blah. I don't think we ever got that first bill from verizon payed off. And the bill just keeps adding up. No matter how much we pay off it's like fucking rabbits. Our bill is currently 940 dollars. Mostly because Dennis has issues and can't seem to stop himself from buying games that he beats within a day or two. And I can't stop him because I don't know he's doing it until he's bought 12 games in a month and it's adding to the bill.

So he was trying to check the bill on the phone and some how managed to click yes he wanted to pay off the overdue amount of 311.01. With my debit card. Which I put on there to pay the bill, back when I HAD a job. So I had 348 dollars in my account to pay rent. That was from my last check. 300 of that money was going to rent. And now it can't because it was a Saturday when Dennis made this mistake. I probably shouldn't have authorized verizon to leave my card on the account but I had a job and didn't think I was going to get fired. I called to have them take the money off the bill and put it back in my account. I have to pay rent and right now rent is more important then the cell phones. Oh right because I haven't told anyone but dennis right now..... but last time i talked to mom on the phone she said if I couldn't pay rent that she was going to move gram out because she can't afford to cover my portion of the rent. And if she does that she doesn't know what Dennis and I are going to do because we can't afford to pay rent here. And since I'm having issues finding a job we don't have a lot of money coming in.

And I don't know what to do. I can't get ahold of anyone at Verizon who can tell me anything except I don't think we can refund the money because the payment was made on a saturday and we can't do stop payments unless it's monday thru friday between 8 and 4.

So I texted Seth today because he's owed me 140 dollars for a year and a half now. And I told him that I need the money. I have to pay rent or I don't have a place to live, I'm 6 months pregnant and jobless. And you know what the bastard told me. I don't have the money, and you still have plenty of time to find a job. I want to FUCKING HIT HIM!!! He needs to get over himself. Stop spending his money needlessly to travel to LARP every 2nd Satuday of the month AND PAY ME BACK.

But oh no..... he doesn't have the money and I have PLENTY of time to find a job so I can make a rent payment.

Someone just shoot me.

I really don't know.

Dennis sent Tami some of the Christmas pictures that Thena took of Raven last year. And I don't like it. I know he's just being nice and trying to do the right thing but I just don't think that she deserves to have those pics.

Those are OUR memories NOT hers. Is it wrong of me to think like that? Am I just being selfish? Irrational?

And I know i upset him... he thinks he's doing the wrong thing because of me. And he didn't do anything wrong. I know this...... and I don't want him to feel that he has.
-Sigh-

Opening Credits: Yesterday- Guns N' Roses

Waking Up Scene: The Struggle Within -Metallica 

Car Driving Scene: Chim-Chim Chre-Ee -Dick Van Dyke, Julie Andrews

High School Flashback Scene: Theres a Fine, Fine Line - Avenu Q Broadway Cast

Nostalgic Scene: I Wiash I Could Go Back To College - Avenu Q Broadway Cast

Bitter, Angry Scene: Better As A Memory -Kenny Chesney

Break-up Scene: Never Say Die -Dixie Chicks

Regret Scene: Loved By You -Jewel

Nightclub/Bar Scene: Knocking on Heavens Door -Guns N' Roses

Fight/Action Scene: This Ain't Tennessee -Garth Brooks

Lawn Mowing Scene: Used To -Daughtry

Sad, breakdown scene: Somewhere Other Than The Night -Garth Brooks

Death Scene: The Two of Us -'Nsync

Funeral Scene: Take Me There -Rascal Flatts

Mellow/Pot-smoking Scene: Decadence -Disturbed

Dreaming About Someone Scene: Bye Bye Bye -'Nsync

Sex Scene: Got a Little Crazy -Kenny Chesney

Contemplation Scene: I'll Be Good For You -'Nsync

Chase Scene: The Red Strokes -Garth Brooks

Happy Love Scene: The First of Me -Hoobastank

Happy Friend Scene: The Mob Song -Beauty and The Beast

Closing Credits: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious -Dick Van Dyke, Julie Andrews

I'm so sick of it. Really I am. I've been talking to this incredibly sweet guy on-line and on the phone for about a month now. I mean a week after knowing me on-line he wanted to send me flowers at work. I think I convinced him not to because it just seemed a little odd to me. I mean I'm SO NOT USED TO THAT!! 
That right there isn't the problem though. I want to meet him. I never have. Last week he was going to come to Portland with Seth, Chris and I. To the show that the Oh so gorgeous Lord Byron put on. But he couldn't he was sick. He had the flu and a temp of 101. Okay... thats all fine and good. So this week we were going to have coffee together. I was really excited. So I texted him to tell him that. And he texted me back to tell me his bad news. He has to fly south to see his mom. She's sick in the hospital. He's the one who has Power of Attorney or something like that. Sounds serious right? I know.... but part of me can't trust it. 
I've been through so many let downs in the past few years that I've learned NOT to trust. I hate it!! I've always trusted people. I mean especially when they haven't given me a reason not to trust them.  But because of Dave and Mike.... I've learned not to trust... and skepticisim. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. 

(UPDATE: Dennis is on-line now. He has a few minutes before he's allowed to go back to the hospital. His mom had a heart attack... or stroke. They're running tests to figure out what it was.)

People just don't make up stories like that... right? I mean I've always believed that if you make up those kind of stories then they come back to haunt you. And I want SO badly to trust everything he said. But theres that part of me that just doesn't. And it kills me. How do I get over this issue??

I mean yeah I've had issues with trusting before. When dad left it was hard. But I still trusted, it just wasn't like I used to. But this is worse. MUCH WORSE! 

HELP!! HELP!! HELP!! 

 I hate how just one BOY can make me feel like I am disgusting. Juat a few simple words from an asshole and I'm repulsive. I know that I shouldn't let it get to me... and it's not what he said that got to me... it's how he said it. Here let me start from the begining:

I was at work today. Walking through the kitchen. There were 5 guys standing around... a few of the were actaully working. Sean was putting some chicken gravy into pans for the units. And he was kinda getting in my way as I walked through. So I stopped and watied for him to quit moving around so much so I could squeez through. And Jimmy.... being Jimmy..... was trying to be funny. He looked at me and jokingly said watch out Nina..... or Sean is going to dump gravy on you.... which was all well and good. The he spiced it up a bit and said.... no not gravy.... watch out nina or seans gonna give you his "special sauce". Which was kinda funny..... yeah a little inappropriate.... but hey I don't really care. What struck me was when sean turned around and looked at jimmy and said "I would NEVER give her my special sauce. I would NEVER do THAT."  Now if said in a joking manner like everything else was I wouldn't have cared.... but the way he said it with such disgust in his voice.... yeah. All the confidence I had built up.... brick by pain staking brick..... yeah it crumbled to dust in wake of that. And everyone has said that I shouldn't let it bother me.... but I'm not a very confident person to begin with. I know I'm not gorgeous and I could stand to lose a little weight.... but I was begining to be okay with that. I'm not the perfect size two.... and I'm not blonde and bubbly..... but hey I've got personalitly... 
And it just pisses me off that all it take is one asshole to come along and tear me down. Now I'm back at square one... and I know it won't take me too long to get back to where I was in my own confidence building but it just.... hurts.... it hurts to know that I can still be so hideously repulsive to someone who doesn't even know the REAL me. Someone who only cares about looks. 

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY ATHENA FUREEZ!!!

 Lately I've been feeling lost, lonely.... Sometimes  I really hate being alone. I miss having someone to hold me. It's getting to be spring.... you know.... today being the first day of spring. And love is in the air...... people getting toegther.... falling in love..... being all mushy and lovey.... and it just makes me.... lonely.
 
I don't know where I'm going with my life. I mean I know where I want to be.... but I don't know if I'm going to make it there. I haven't even picked up my business plan in over a month. I know I should.... I just don't feel the drive at the moment. I want this... I know I do.... I just don't know how to go about it. And everything I keep hearing about what you have to do to start your own business..... yeah.... it scares me. Theres no guarantee that I'll survive. 

I just really want to be happy with my life right now. And I'm not. I'm sad.... lonely.... pathetic..... It seems that the only thing that can encourage any kind of emotion in me is my kitten. I LOVE Mischief. She seems to be my whole world right now. Sad isn't it?

I know that if I want to meet someone I need to get out.... go to clubs or something. But I HATE bars.... I really do. It's too loud for me. Too crowded. Smells like sweat.... and alcohol. Bars.... clubs.... places like that just aren't for me. And I'm not a particularly exciting person...... shy and boring. And yeah I'm pretty boring. I read most of the time. Whats exciting to guys? Not usually books..... I mean there are a few guys that like to read..... but I just haven't found that one person who can keep my interest.....and won't turn out to be a wicked asshole. 

Yeah..... anyways.... I don't want to get everyone down so I'll just stop now. I'm kinda hungry anyways. It's almost 8 pm and I should get something for supper.

  

So my kitten is currently at the vet.... getting spayed. I'm so worried about her. While we were there I ddin't act like I was scared for her..... I didn't want Jen to be even more scared than she was. I had to be strong so Jen wouldn't worry herself sick.
 Athena brought us both down. We both have kittens that are getting spayed today. They're sisters. Both orphaned when they were 3 weeks old. 
Anyways. Most of you know that already.
So when Thena dropped me off at my apartment this morning.... I walked through the door and felt empty. Mischief has been in the apartment with gram and I since December..... since the day after I moved back in. Shes been there for me to cuddle and hold and play with everyday since then. She usually comes and greets me a couple minutes after I walk throuh the door and now my baby is at the vet. She's not here. I miss her presence. I'm worried about her. Yeah I know that the vets do this kind of procedure all the time..... but I just can't hlpe but wonder "What if something happens? What if something goes wrong?". I know I shouldn't worry so much. 
I just miss my baby. I mean when I'm done here.... on the 'puter... I'm gonna go get in my big comfy reading chair and read The Other Boleyn Girl. And Mischief always climbs on the back of the chair..... when its all reclined and stuff and lays pretty much on top of my head. Now shes not at home and I'm gonna miss her laying on my head.
 

It was too good.... too funny not to. Seriously it's awesome. I think that JEN will really like this. It's Robin Hobb. She's the one that got me started on Robin Hobb. I KNOW that Thena and Vee wil love it too. So here it is....

http://robinhobb.com/rant.html

READ IT...... REEEAAAD IT...... Come on You KNOW you want to.

Love you All.

 For he first 5 people who leave a comment, I will:

1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, a word etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.

 I will NOT be completely pissed off because my brothers grilfriend is a bitch or my brother is lying to me. I will NOT be pissed off by the fact that my brothers grilfriend is a bitch or my brother is lying to me. I will NOT be pissed off by the fact that my brothers girlfriend is a bitch or my brother is lying to me.

I CAN'T keep worrying about other peoples relationships. It's not good for my health. I want to put the blame on Heather. But as Thena pointed out to me last night there is always two sides of the same coin. But if this is true then Chris just lied to me because he doesn't want to hang out with me and Seth today. I don't know what to think. I's easier to blame her because I seriously don't like her. I don't like the fact that my brother says he's not happy and yet he doesn't leave the relationship. I just don't really like anything about this self'-centered girl.  
Chris can't come out and play today because he has to wait for Heathers brother, because Heather can't do it because she's hanging out with her friends. This whole situation doesn't make sense to me. NONE of it. 

I need to relax...... center myself  or something like that. I'm not happy.

So not only am I at this moment wanting to rip my hair out for no other reason than it would be pleasing to feel something other than numb about everything in general. I'm also pissed about the fact that I can't pay my cell phone bill because my bank account isn't working. I don't know why. I know I have almost 200 dollars in there and I only need to pay 75 to Unicel for my phone to keep on working. I mean sure I do have until the 10th... but I'd like to get it out of the way before I forget. So in order to occupy my mind I vaccumed the living room. I still need to put the tables back in place but I felt I had to come into..... never mind I ddin't feel I had to come into my room.... the phone rang and the phone is currently sitting on my desk. So I wouldn't have come in here if the phone hadn't rung. 
I had to sit down at my desk becuase Thena had sent me an IM. We talked for a few minutes... then she went and took a shower. And somewhere along the line my mind turned to livejournal and I thought that I should post something thats been bothering me for a couple days now. 

When I saw Dave at Walmart.... he stopped me. I didn't stop him. I wouldn't have even known he was there if he hadn't stopped to chat at me. He wanted to come and visit me. Thats what he said. He asked my days off and wanted to come and visit me. After I got home I jumped on line and sent him a message on myspace. Saying that it was nice to se him. Wait.... I'll go get the message.... hold on just a moment... okay here it is word for word:
"So it was nice seeing you today. I was gonna send you a birthday shout out for your birthday but I decided against it. I figured you were "Happy" in your relationship.... didn't need to hear from your ex.
Anything I might say right now would possibly be nasty... and since I figured it's so close to christmas.... I'd better be nice or santa won't bring me anything.... not that I believe that he's bringing me what I actually want for christmas. "
 Yeah.... I sent that a mere few hours after I saw him. It's taken him weeks to get on-line and check it... but finally he did and as follows is the message he sent me back:
"we are doing great and happy. I got her a ring for christmas. She is the one! Thanks for the message"

HE GOT HER A FUCKING RING FOR CHRISTMAS!!! What is it that I've done in my life that I can't find happiness in a relationship but the fucking asshole who broke my heart can find "THE ONE" in a matter of months.... this girl that he left me for after only knowing her for two fucking weeks!?!?!?!?!? I don't understand it.... I truly don't . How is that fair??? 
I've gotten pissed about the whole situation... I don't understand the fates..... probably why I became a Fureez. I just don't know anymore. I truly don't understand how he gets to be happy.... and I get to be the injured, miserable ex-girlfriend. 

Yeah.... no.... I don't know.... 

One of the girls at work told me that I'm one of the most together girls she's ever met. I had to laugh at that one. SHe doesn't know me that well. Just because I've learned how to plaster a smile on my face at work and forget that I'm not breaking down inside.... I get to be thought of as together.... as with it. I've been told that before. Zac told me that after her broke up with me. "Nina you've got it together. You know whats going on and what you want. You're going places."
If everyone around me believes that then how come I don't? I don't see myself going anywhere. I'm stuck in the same job that i've had for 2 and a half years.... a job that I'm slowly coming to hate because of all the bullshit. I have a degree that I'm not using. And a job that I'm not even making $9.00 an hour at. I can't seem to find a job that I want to do. I'd really LOVE to be a baker. I really enjoy baking.... but no one seems to be hiring. 
I don't seem to have any ambition anymore. No drive... no inclination to do anything. I just don't know anymore.   

 Why does he have to elicite such a response in me?? Why is it that I can't just say no?? Why is it that I want to see him even after everything he's done to me? 

He asked if there was anything left in my heart for him. I can't lie.... I still care about him. I still miss him everyday. I still miss the high I used to get just being around him. I'd never trust him in my life again. And you can't have any sort of normal relationship without trust. And he hurt me. He hurt me bad... I don't think he'll have know how deep he cut my heart. 

And yet when I see him... when we talked today at walmart... when he asked me how I was. When he said he was sorry for hurting me...sorry for the way he treated me... I wanted to throw my arms around him... I wanted him to hold me. 
God he's the one person in my life that I'll always regret that I never had a shot at his heart... because he's my addiction. No matter how much he hurts me... not matter how much I believe I should just move on and get over it, the moment he walks back into my life even just to stop me and chat in the middle of walmart... I want nothing more than to be with him. 

WHY? WHY? WHY? 

Like a bad addiction I should try to break the habbit. But how do you break the habbit of that one person you seem to want more than anything else in the world? I know he's not good for me and he broke my heart.... and I need to get over him.... but I don't know how. 
I know I need to find that person that can make me forget about him but to date I haven't found that person. I haven't found anybody who can elicite in me the reactions that he does. 

I've found that one person who attracts me, dangerously so. And who repels me only because I know how much it hurts to loose him. 

Do you give second chances to the person who was living with you.... broke up with you unexpectedly.... then lived on your couch for a month because he was waiting for his new girlfriends ex-husband to move out. If anyone else was asking me this question I'd tell then "No fucking way. You don't give assholes like that a second chance!" But why is it that we can always dish out the great advice that we ourselves would never take even though we know we should? Is it just me that has this problem? Someone needs to tell me that I'm not alone in this

Fuck I really hate the confusion that always came with him. This is the confusion in my life... and that confusion has a name. DAVE! .

Why is it that I've always thought that if someone says to you... "I have a girlfriend" . That means that, that person is off limits. Oh no.... why should I think that?? I mean "I have a girlfriend" means nothing nowadays. Yeah..... so Dave telling Darcey that ment nothing to her.... she went for it anyways.... and suddenly "I have a girlfriend" ment nothing to Dave either. It pisses me off so much.
It pisses me off even more that when Seth was here last night he was taking this quiz online..... and there was this statement..... "You are a loyal friend." You know the agree/disagree kind..... Well Dave said he was a loyal friend. And all I could think is yeah okay.... you may be a loyal friend..... it's just being the loyal boyfriend part that you have to work on. Yeah I am pissed. Anger means I don't have to hurt.
So I'm pretty sure that a while ago I wrote about a dream I had involving beta fish. I don't remember if I actually did or not though. SO I'll tell you about it again.
A few months ago I ahd this dream about beta fish jumping out of the tank... well all of them but one was jumping out of the tank. There was one in the tank that was making all the other fish jump out. That fish was blue.  ANd then there was me on the outside of the tank trying unsuccessfully to catch the fish that were jumping out of the tank.  All of the fish ended up dead on the floor except the one that was making the rest jump out.
Yeah that was the dream..... Chris and I annalyzed it and came to this conclusion: This represents how I see my love life. The fish in  the tank, that was me. Or that small part of me that feels that I always end up sabbotaging my relationships. And the me on the outside is the part thats always trying unsuccessfully to fix them. 
So I was at work yesterday and that dream popped into my head. I was in the walk-in at the time..... so I'm not positive why is showed up in my head at that time but it did.  I know thats how I feel..... I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to fix it.
I'm done..... I can't write anymore. I have to go see a friend.

HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY ATHENA MAE FUREEZ!!!

There's a 49% Chance That You Need Therapy

If you think you need therapy, you probably do. But there's a good chance you don't. Like everyone else, you have your fair share of problems. And unlike most people, you're fairly good at solving them yourself.

SO my world was thrown into chaos yesterday. Have you ever had to bail somone out of jail? I hadn't... until last night. Let me tell you thats a whole new world to me. Talking with the police.... going to the jail house at 8 pm with 190$.... sitting there for an hour waiting for the bail commisioner to come and talk with me. Watching Seth get up every 15 minutes to run to the bathroom because he's sick. Talking with the bail commisioner... who happens to be a really nice guy. Counting out 20$ worth of change to make the 190 that I needed... then going outside into the snow to wait for Dave to come out of the building. Yeah it was Dave.... my boyfriend I had to bail out of jail last night. There are really VERY FEW people I would even consider bailing out... The list includes.... Thena, Vee, Christopher, Seth, and Dave. If it had been Mike I would have left him there.... to teach him a lesson. Mike needs some shit stuffed into his brain.... that would have been a rather sobering expirence for him. I could never leave one of my sisters in there. And I would NEVER leave Chris in there.... I couldn't.... not for any of you. I would run to the rescue.... in a heartbeat. The fact that I did it last night is a true testament to that fact.
I was scared to death when Dave stormed out of the apartment last night. No I wasn't scared for me..... but for him. I've never seen him so pissed off. I understand exactly why he was so pissed. Do you want to know the whole story?? I guess I should tell you. I mean it would only halp you make sense of this whole situation.
Lets start off with the fact the Dave lost his job yesterday for a stupid reason. So that set his pissy level to a mild simmer. But that has nothing to do with the reason he went to jail. So Dave called his kids last night. Talked with both of them for a little while.... then Krysta... the 4 year old.... told him that she was still hungry... the girls were in the middle of eating when he called. So Dave asked he where mommy was. Krysta told him that she was in her room with Rob.... which happens to be mommys boyfriend. Krysta knocked on the door to tell mommy that she was still hungry.... mommy said "Not now, I'm busy". The bedroom door was locked so the girls couldn't get in. Krysta kept knocking.... so finally mommy came and opened the door... naked. Krysta told Dave that mommy was naked.... Dave wasn't too happy. Jen (Mommy) told Dave that nothing was going on, her and Rob were just talking. Now come on.... most people don't talk naked in the bedroom with the door locked. Dave was pissed because she was neglecting their kids to have some "FUN" with her boyfriend. They got into an argument about it.... there was a lot of yelling and screaming involved on this end of the phone.... they got done with that little fight. Dave told Jen that he wanted to see his kids on Thursday.... he would keep them until Friday. Jen said it wasn't going to happen. She wasn't gonna bring the kids over. It's been over a week since he last saw them because he was working... going to school and his work schedual had changed. That really pissed him off even more. There was a lot more yelling involved.... Jen told Dave to stop acting pysco. There was more yelling.... and it came down to a custody issue.... Dave was right through the roof at this time. Said to her... I'll show you pysco and hung up the phone. Thats when he got up.... grabbed the keys and his coat and stormed out of the apartment... Seth was here for all of this.
I grabbed my jeans and threw them on.... I wasn't going out in my PJ pants.... convinced Seth to take me after him... Seth took his time getting ready... Yes... he was sick... but still I was in a panic, so he wasn't moving fast enough for me. We went after Dave... we never actually found him... So we stopped at Jens apartment to see if he was there. Dave wasn't but the cops were.... Seth rang the bell and a cop came down and answered the door. I don't like talking with the cops.... it's not a fun expirence... especially when they believe that you're not telling them everything. I have loyalties.... I didn't want to get Dave into deep shit. I told the cop that Dave was pissed when he left the house and said he was on his way here. Thats why I was there... I didn't want Dave to do anything stupid.... I was looking out for him. Well we got done with the cops.... and left. We stopped to get gas... picked up Nicky from work.... and went back to the apartment... thats where I found Dave. The cops showed up about a minute and a half after we got back to the apartment... Came upstairs and talked to Dave... let him get his shoes and coat.... took him outside and arrested him.
The next hour was the worst.... because Dave was in jail.... I was at home losing my mind. My anxiety shot through the roof. I talked with Chris.... he wasn't able to calm me down. Normally he's the one that can, but then again he's never been through this either so he didn't really know what to tell me. At about 7:30 Seth called the jail to see what they had posted for bail. It took us about 15 to 20 minutes to count out all the money I needed to bail Dave out. Seth lent me some of his gas money to help out. Then we headed to the jail to get My Dave. The rest of the story is at the top.
Yeah, so yesterday was exciting to say the least.

I'm sitting here.... kinda bored... I want to go out. But it's cold out there. I still want to go out. I wish I had a licence and a car. That would make my life so much easier. It really would. But I need to get my permit again. Then I need to drive.... then well you know the drill. Thats how things work. I just need to get my shit together and send out the check sitting beside me so then I can get a date to take my test. It's in the envelope and everything.
Now why is it that people have to be so stupid. I'm listening to Dave argue with his ex about the fact that she thinks he's talking bad about her. Blah Blah Blah.... I dunno. Doesn't really matter too much to me. I do wonder why both of his ex's worry so much about me. Worry about whether or not Dave is lying to me. Telling him he better treat me right. They don't know me. I don't want to know them. Okay.... fine then.... I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. If it comes down to it.... I'll take whatever comes my way.
I need to quit writing. I'm not sure I'm making sense anymore.

So this weekend is going to be spent packing. I still haven't told mom or gram. I'm waiting on telling gram until mom knows. I'm just waiting for mom to get back to me. I just found out today that the apartment is actually mine. So I waited this long. I told mom over a month ago that I was looking for a new place. I don't think she actually believed that I was. And I know that she doesn't think I'll be able to do it. And it's that, that is putting the doubt into my head. I've always had my mother to believe in me. And now she really doesn't. I don't like it. I don't like that theres that part of me that believes her. I know I can do this. I WANT to do this. It'll be better. I can have my own place. I won't feel like I'm being watched every minute of every day and having everything reported back to my mother. It's sad really.
No, I'm not doing this for anyone but me and my piece of mind. I don't want to feel like I HAVE to be quiet so I don't disturb my grandmother. I do feel bad for Chris though. He's gonna be left here with her. ALONE. They have issuse and they clash, so it's not a good combination.
I know that once upon a time I told my mom that I was going to live with her until I was 80. I can't do it. First of all my mom doesn't even live here anymore. I can't be responsible for my gram.

Well 2 hours when I started this I hadn't told mom or gram... now I have. Both are okay with it. Gram wishes me the best... mom didn't sound too sure. Oh well.... it's official. Packing is going well. I've got 2 boxes FULL of books. 2 of clothes..... it's pretty bad that my books take up the same amount of space as my clothes.

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

So Zac did the sweetest thing this morning. It's really much too bad I wasn't awake enough to really apreciate it. Actually I was kinda grouchy.... and I feel really bad about it. He called me this morning. I had been up for all of one whole minute when my cell phone rang. I hadn't even had a chace to go pee. But he called to see how I had slept. Just to check if I had slept well. And I feel like such an ass because I was grouchy.
It really was SOOOO sweet. Well thinking about it now it was really sweet. When I got the call I wasn't sure if I was impressed or thuroughly unimpressed because he's a morning person and am SO not a morning person. But I've decided that I am really impressed.... especially because he was thinking of me.
Umm.... anyways.... I'm kinda hungry.... time to cook.